I apologise for my absence recently but that is because I have been absent with myself. I’ll be honest and you’ll probably think I’m being dramatic, but I believe I may be going through my quarter-life crisis. Or mid-life one come early or whatever.
Now, call me dramatic, call me silly, but I am not the only one of my age who has been going through a similar thing. Many people I know have struggled with similar fears and thoughts, and it isn’t just me! This is a thing that my generation HAVE to go through. I’ve cried countless nightsC and spent hours in bed questioning existence, and my imagination getting the worst of me. This is happening because this crisis is basically a reality kick in the bollocks for me and here’s why;
1. It’s come to my attention, that I am going to be eternally in a horrendous amount of debt. The only way of avoiding these debts is if I run away abroad for five years (ride some dolphins, probably lose myself in the jungle) but what’s that going to teach me? That I just run away from my problems? Nahhhh, that’s one thing you’ve taught me, Mother. Be fearless with problems. I know I have to work hard to pay off this debt, but it hopefully be worth it!
2. I’m getting old. As much as I’ll only be 21 this year, this is still scary milestone in my scary yet wonderful path of life. Turning 21 means that I will be forever an adult. I’ll no longer be a child, I’ll be going into my twenties, where my wine consumption will amazingly increase. I want to be a child always, and have no cares in the world, and yet, still rocking a full fringe. However, I’ve had to learn to accept this. That the only way is up, and I am scared but soooo excited. I didn’t even know that was possible.
3. I’m surrounded by new faces. And sadly, I don’t get to see yours every day, Mother, but know I’m thinking of you. In the beginning of my ‘growing up spiritual adventure’ I could never tell which people were good for me, and those who were bad for me. I think I have it figured out now. It’s been hard drifting from friends and family, however, I never forget. I know who is good for me; the ones that do things to make me smile, those who look after me with genuine care when I can be worse for wear, and people that listen to my ramblings. They bring good energy, and I couldn’t be happier with the people surrounding me, and you are one of them. I may not see you as much as we’d both like, but you’re the best mate I’ve got, Mother.
4. My health. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t have a healthy diet.
I like my food. That’s not right. I LOVE MY FOOD. and Mama Bowater you fed me soooo good the past 20 years, you really are a great cook! I’d still kill for your roast dinner! However, since moving away from home, my diet is not as nice, and not nearly enough wholesome for a 20 year old woman. I survive off leftovers, beans on toast, endless cups of tea, and cigarettes. I’ve learnt to better my diet when I can afford it (WHY IS HEALTHY FOOD SO EXPENSIVE?!) and do as much exercise as much as possible…(walking counts right?) Mother, when you say ‘you look thin, Siobhan,’ don’t worry, I’m probably losing the last of my baby weight, OR, I’ve just spent all my wages on a night out or clothes instead of food. But, it was my choice to do that wasn’t it? And I only have myself to blame. But, I’m happy with my body and my health. I do look after myself more than people think. However, I will always accept your food parcels you slide my way…
5. Money. Now, Mother, sit back in your chair, I know, I know you said that I would never have to worry about money. That you’d always have my back. And I can never be more thankful knowing that. BUT, I’m gonna pay you back as much as I can, no ifs, no buts Mum, I’m working hard to do that for you. Yes, it means working 2 jobs, but I’m learning to support myself, and yeah it’s tough, but I’ve also learned that I’ve just got to deal with it. We made a promise, that I would get you to meet Jon Bon Jovi, remember? I’m working on it, so keep fiddling with your hair and applying lipstick ready for my call for when he’s waiting to meet you.
6. Spiritual Awakening. I’ve woken up and smelt the shit. I get it. I am acknowledging all the energies around me and I take them in, I’ve had a restored faith in humanity and I see the good in all things. It’s all explained in the Yin Yang for me. Call me a hippie, but I’d rather that than be a Catholic. Now I know not to speak ill of anyone, but I know that some things are not for me; religion. And you, Mother and I both know that it was never going to be my path as soon as I understood what was actually going on. Call me a realist, but that’s fine, this is reality, and this is me accepting it.
7. The foreseeable future. This scares the bejesus out of me. The one thing that panics me is not seeing myself in the future, or not knowing where I could be. I don’t know what’s going to happen after university, I don’t know who I’ll be with, where I’ll be living/working? Nobody does. BUT if I want to get you to meet Jon Bon Jovi, I kinda get what sort of choices I need to make to make that happen. My future is shaped by the choices I make, and I really do hope I’m making all the good ones!
Top tip for anybody is going through a quarter life crisis; stop overthinking EVERYTHING. Trust me, you’ll hopefully figure it out like I have.
Mum, I hope I am doing you proud. I really do, I only wish I could carry you around in my bag and show you all my daily adventures; from getting my sass on at work, or doing ‘cool fun stuff on the radio’ like you say, and just show you that you needn’t not worry as much as you’d think. That I am fine, and although I have been an expert liar for years with those words ‘I’m fine’ I do mean it this time. Things are exciting and scary, but do you remember that feeling about something in your past? I’ve learnt a lot, and if it wasn’t for you having my back, things wouldn’t be the same.
I’m fine, and I mean it.
I’ve questioned almost every aspect of my life, and I’ve learnt to accept it. Faults and all. My own faults too. I’m working on the life you’ve dreamed for me, and for my own dreams.
So meet up with Jon Bon Jovi is still in the works, I promise.
I love you always, and forever Mother Goose,
From your chicken,
P.S. Please can I have a food parcel?
P.P.S. I love you.
For anyone going through the same ‘crisis’ as me, you’re not alone. Be honest, and it sounds shite, but you have to learn a lot of things, about yourself and your life. I promise things do get better! You just have to sit by yourself and teach yourself to stop overthinking everything. Realise that there is good in your life, and appreciate it. Learn what brings badness into your day, and get rid of it. You’ll have to figure it out, but know there are people that will listen and help you through. Roll on the mid life crisis!!!